New York, NY - In an off the record conversation with White House press pool reporter Tabasco Jenkins, President Bush spoke about how having to honor his failures was getting on his nerves.
Tabasco Jenkins: "So, Mr. President, what do you think about going to all of these events to honor the anniversary of 9/11 just days after doing the same to honor the anniversary of Katrina?"
President Bush: "Well, Tabasco, off the record?"
TJ: "Oh, certainly, of course sir."
Bush: "Well, to be honest with you, all this honoring my failures is really cramping my style. I mean, it wasn't so bad the last few years, but now with the addition of having to honor my failure on Katrina, it's really starting to get tiresome. Take what I had to do earlier this month. That was my vacation time. I should have been back on my ranch pretending to be a good ole boy and sipping non-alcoholic cognac while working on my Highlights For Children. But no, instead I have to go down to New Orleans and honor my failure by pretending I care about black people. Honestly, is this what I should be worrying my beautiful mind about?"
TJ: "Yes, yes, I can understand. What about now with all this 9/11 stuff?"
Bush: "Well, as you know, I would always prefer to be campaigning than governing. You know, governing is for suckers and Democrats. Put me in a room of handpicked supporters, give me a script, and I'm happy as a clam."
TJ: "Oh yeah, we know."
Bush: "So, I've gotta tell you, if there's anything I like less than governing, it's going out and honoring my failures. I get a script, but the applause always seems to me to be a bit mocking. I mean I am up there talking about my failure, so it's hard to get up for something like that, you know."
TJ: "I see. What about sending someone else, like Cheney?"
Bush: "Yeah, that's what I said. But the problem is, the only way Dick feels comfortable in front of a camera is if he's doing a 1 on 1 interview in a dimly lit studio with a solitary light shining on him so that it looks like he's telling a horror story around a campfire. He's weird like that. And we did try to send him once to that thing in Poland honoring the holocaust or something, and while everyone else showed up in suits, old Dick showed up wearing even heavier winter clothes than that kid in A Christmas Story. So, that was the last time we go down that road."
TJ: "What about Condi?"
Bush: "Well, we thought about that, too. But for this stuff in New York, you've gotta be on time. And if you get Condi anywhere near a place that sells imported shoes, like Manhattan, the chances of her showing up on time severely drop."
TJ: "Ahh, I can understand that."
Bush: "Yeah, it's a tough job I got. It's hard work, I tell ya. Now, if you'll excuse me, looks like I've gotta go honor my failure a little more. It's been nice chatting, off the record, of course."
TJ: "Of course, sir, off the record. Well, good luck out there, and good luck on that hunt for Bin Laden."
Bush: "Ha, ha. You're funny. Yeah, right."
- Tabasco Jenkins, Reporting from Air Chimp One
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